18 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE NOVEMBER 7, 1997

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How does a shy guy meet men, besides the bars?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Last night, my brother Joe and I were talking on the phone, and we lit upon the eternally compelling topic: How Well the Family Has Acclimated to Me Being Queer. Now, you might think that close to 11 years after coming out, everyone would have cooled down, but my proclivities are apparently a steaming pizza on which they can still burn their familial tongue.

Fortunately, I planned ahead and was born into a large family, so I play the odds: At any one time, at least some of them have to be cool with me. By now, I can depend on Joe for unconditional love tempered by the occasional mysterious remark.

Last night he admitted that he might have a hard time if I brought home a "Hollywood lesbian." I was mystified, and I asked him what that meant, and he wasn't really able to clarify. All I can imagine is that he would have a hard time accepting Ellen DeGeneres or Jennifer Tilly as my life partner. I'm willing to let that go.

Dear Big Tipper,

I am a 23-year-old shy male, and I'm frustrated. I fully accepted myself as gay only a short time ago, although I've known since sixth grade.

I am without a boyfriend, and still a lonely virgin. I am in need of your advice on how to meet other nice younger guys. Please don't say "bars." I have been to a club only to sip my beer alone while the hot bodies totally ignored me. I'm no muscle boy, but I'm no raging queen either. Isn't there anyone out there interested in the guy next door? Sincere Queer

Dear Shy Next Door,

Good for you, sweetie, that you're finally going out to get the best part of being queer: good homo cookin'.

The sucky thing about protracted virginity is that it can erode your confidence, and it's often confidence that people find most attractive. Likewise, the catch-22 of date hunting: You're most dateable when you seem self-sufficient and complete, but often people are looking for a date so they can feel self-sufficient and complete. Sigh. This is where your make-believe skills, honed in childhood, come in handy. Make your body confident (shoulders back, slight smile, relaxed) and your brain will follow. Make your brain feel confident ("I'm a catch!") and your heart will follow, and you'll be a boy magnet.

And while you're waiting for someone nice, and psyching yourself up to ask him out, you'll enjoy yourself more.

Look for boys in places you like to be (the dog park, college classes), then you'll find someone you're compatible with. But remember, bars aren't just places where the well-muscled meet. Lots of guys who hate the bars are in the bars because it's a space where it's okay to approach another guy, and everyone is there for the same reason; they're

shopping. Good luck. (By the way, there's more than enough love out there for raging queens, too. You ladies know who you are.)

Dear Martone,

I've finally met my match and I don't know what to do about it. The other day at the laundromat, I saw this beautiful man and was struck with awe. I confidently walked up to him to introduce myself and to tell him I found him attractive. He stood there, smiled and walked away.

Later that night at the bar, I was telling my friends about him when he walked by. He saw me and smiled, and continued to walk toward his friends. I followed him, and that was when I found out that he is deaf! I felt like an idiot!

I've never thought of dating someone who is deaf. All I know about them is that they keep to themselves. I also wonder if it's true about some of the myths of deaf people, like can they talk? Or lip read? Or the fact that they make wonderful lovers? How would I communicate with him, as I would feel funny "talking" with my hands? Help me! I can't get him out of my mind!

Dear Signing Off,

Clueless

It's funny that you heard they make wonderful lovers-actually, all deaf people are lousy lays. Jeez! Listen to yourself! There's no such thing as the way all deaf people are. Watch out any time you find yourself talking about the way "they" are, whoever "they"

are.

Deaf culture is rich and complicated like any other subculture, and deaf folks only "keep to themselves” like queers live in gay ghettos. It's easier to buy a bagel at a shop where they're not going to stare at your earrings, and it's easier to hang at a club with friends

you can talk to easily.

Many deaf people can read lips, since it's a survival skill in a dominantly hearing world. Historically, though, many have been encouraged to hide their deafness by lip reading and learning to talk, so it's a deaf visibility thing to use sign language. I'm assuming you found out he's deaf because he and his friends were signing. American Sign Language (ASL) is a language with its own syntax and grammar: If you don't know it, faking it is like Lucille Ball trying to speak Italian by putting "o" at the end of every word. That doesn't mean you can't go to the library and learn some signs. Many international romantic encounters have been facilitated by language phrase books.

He did smile at you, twice. Write him a note, and let him know you think he's a hottie, and you want to know how to get to know him. If you've really met your mate, go get him.

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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